I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Watching her eat just hurts me
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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