im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
