My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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