He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
