your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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