stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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