Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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