just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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