we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
