I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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