I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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