i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
