I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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