My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
