I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
