I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
