One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
