The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize