We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
