remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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