It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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