I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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