come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
