Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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