Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
my poor anus
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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