Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
