I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
