I think i peed on brittanys purse
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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