why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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