im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
