now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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