i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
