he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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