are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
