Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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