The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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