you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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