Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
