I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
