I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
