There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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