Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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