i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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