I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
