just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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