If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize