Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
