I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
bring money and cleavage
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize