i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize