Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
