I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
of course. lets lasso hookers.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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