I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
