That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
