Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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