Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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