he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize