woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
